We Can't Do This Alone ; Filled & Free Day 4

Thursday, October 1, 2015

When I was 19, I discovered the book, The Secret,  and I was absolutely blown away by the theory of  the "law of attraction":

The Secret, also known as the "law of attraction," is the idea that because of our connection with a "universal energy force," our thoughts and feelings have the ability to manipulate this energy force to our liking. According to "The Secret," our thoughts and feelings attract a corresponding energy to ourselves. If our thoughts are negative, we attract negative things. If our feelings are positive, we attract positive things. The essential message of "The Secret" is that we all have the power to determine our own destiny. We can all create our own reality. Through fully and consistently applying the "law of attraction," we can be who we want to be and have everything we want to have, (source)

It was then that I realized the power behind my words, thoughts and actions. This discovery shone a huge light on how I was living and basically told me I was the one who had control over my life and the power to make it whatever I wanted it to be. Being a naturally depressed person, I loved this. And, after coming to this understanding my days started getting better. 

This realization was what I needed because it taught me how much more important believing than receiving is. I applied this to my life and it was beneficial for a little while, but unfortunately it just wasn't enough. 

You see, I am very extreme and attract extreme situations in my life. As I continued on into my early adult years, I experienced scenarios that weighed extremely heavy on my heart. Thinking positive simply wasn't enough for me. Positive affirmations were very helpful for me when things weren't so bad, but when I was brought into a low of depression, this "law of attraction" theory didn't help. 

When you feel broken, it's overwhelming to think that you're in control because you don't feel like you're qualified. At one point in my life, I was in Miami being absolutely reckless with people who I had no business going away with, and I was acting like a complete fool. I created a ridiculous scenario, where to say I embarrassed myself would be a complete understatement. I can remember sitting outside of a hotel thinking to myself, "I feel terrible right now and I can't even pray to God because I don't even believe in Him. Not even a positive affirmation is enough. I can't fix my life on my own. I need something deeper but I don't even know where to start." 

A couple weeks later I had a similar situation occur that brought me even lower into depression, to the point where I threw myself into a Catholic retreat for a night to get away from my mess of a life and tried to gain some clarity. But the pictures of Jesus and Mary everywhere threw me off and I was receptive to about half of my experience. 

It wasn't until four months later the following year that I opened myself up to the idea of accepting the true Jesus into my heart as an option to heal my life. At this point in my life that, I had had enough. I felt like I had tried so many things and nothing worked. All I wanted was healing, clarity, and peace. I was desperate. 

What blows me away is that when I look back, I didn't believe in Jesus being the answer half as much as I believed that I had control over my life. 

I tried the Jesus thing because it was my last resort, not because I was drawn to it. But low and behold, Jesus worked for me far more than any other "truth" I dove into. 

Opening myself up to a higher power being in control completely rerouted my life. The spirit of depression took a little while to leave me but I am proud to say that lately, even on my worst days, they are nowhere near what I experienced before I got saved. God has miraculously changed my life and continues to do so every day. 

I used to think that I had complete and utter control over everything, but now I know better. I've personally experienced the feeling of both theories and following Jesus healed me far beyond what I could of ever done myself. 

Maybe not everyone is in a place in their lives where they want to put their trust in someone they cannot see or feel at the moment. Maybe the idea of a higher power being the answer is too "religious" for them and it turns them off. I totally get it. 

I spent four and a half years of my life shutting God out and tried to fix things and live my life on my own. I was committed and convinced that I had the answer but personally speaking, I didn't. It wasn't enough for me. 

Maybe you're thinking, "Well it is enough for me." That's great. But there may come a day where something absolutely devastating happens to you and believe me when I say that leaning on yourself isn't going to be enough. The universe isn't going to be enough for you. 

Maybe right now isn't the time for you to completely change your beliefs and turn your life over to a Higher Power, and that's okay. I'm not sharing my story to convert whoever I have the privilege of sharing it with. I'm sharing my story to because I believe that the Lord will plant seeds through it.

When the moment arrives where you need something deeper to lean on maybe you'll think of this body of words. Maybe you'll think of me and my story. Maybe you'll cry out to God and ask Him to save you like I did and maybe that will be your time. Or maybe someone else will come into your life and tell you their story and it will resonate deeper with you. Whatever it may be, I hope everyone can one day encounter the presence of the real God like I have

I hope and pray that everyone dealing with depression can experience what it feels like for that sprit to be lifted off of you. I want everyone to be able to experience the healing that has been brought into my life. This experience is mind blowing to me and if literally, just one person can be saved from the dark hole they've fell into in their life, then that's good enough for me.

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. -Numbers 6:24-26 

About the Author

Briella is an ex reality star (Jerseylicious, Glam Fairy) saved by grace. Originally from Jersey, now living in South Carolina, she spends her days passionately seeking God, making up for lost time. She's also a poet and a 10+ year Beautifier. Follow her on Instagram @BriellaMarie. 


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